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FashionVictim25 [userpic]

New poem...

January 8th, 2005 (05:49 pm)
happy

current mood: happy
current song: This Love Sarah Brightman

I just wrote this poem...I am quite happy with most of it but I may have to improve or change some of it later. This one is inspired by and is for Matt.This one is untitled.

For you I would reach for a star in the twilight sky
take it unto me, engrave it with my love, release unto you so
you shall never be alone in the cruel cold night without me.

Move to the ends of the earth
walk the waves of the ocean
build you an empire underneath its depths
for your desire.

Kiss your salty lips
hold you like today is our first and our last.

Make time stand still
bend to our will

For you,for me, for us, what wouldn't I do?

Comments

Posted by: Written Silence (writtensilence)
Posted at: January 9th, 2005 03:46 am (UTC)
good evening!

Hey hope you're having fun not working! HA. well I am at work getting ready to finish some paper work and then go to bed. Thought I would comment on your poem that you've written. I like it, it's dramatic. I like the concept of taking stars, "engraving them" and giving them to some one you love, pretty fucking cool. Poem is great. Suggestion, I would consider maybe restructuring it, maybe play with the lines so the lines of the first stanza aren’t so long, they seem awkward.


- Just an example. -

For you-
I would reach for a star
in the twilighting sky
and take it unto me.
Engrave it with my love,
to release unto you.
You shall never be alone,
in the cruel cold night, without me.

Move to the end
of the earth.
walk the waves of the ocean
and build you an empire
underneath its depths,
solely for your desire.

Kiss-
your sultry lips
while, holding you...
Like today is our first and our last.

Make time bend to our will,
suspend and stand still.
For you,
for me,
for us, what wouldn't I do?




Obviously I am no editor, but lol I like playing with poetry. The more I read this poem the more I like it. I really love the idea (as I have said above) in the first stanza. The rest of the stanzas are kind of cliche, and with rewording, I think you can get around that. Example. “Salty Lips” is kind of a cliche image...instead of salty maybe you could think of a new and interesting kind of lip....like “sultry”? Lol I don’t know. Hey, most people pay for this kind of advice! :-) If I have offended you, I’ll never edit your poetry again.

LOL....hope you're having a wonderful night, and I’ll see you tomorrow.! Oh, good to see that you are writing again.!

Much Love my chicken,

/\/\ark.

Posted by: myfeverburnsyou (myfeverburnsyou)
Posted at: January 10th, 2005 04:01 am (UTC)
Your Poem

I think that it is an excellent poem and Matt I'm sure is honored. As for working on the poem I feel that what you want to do to it you should. For me...I think it is perfect as is. I am not one for stanzas, rhythm, ABCBA...etc. I am a prose whore and always will be. Write like nobody is reading and own your shit girl. So long as you feel you got your message out...it is complete.

Blessed Be,
Nick

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